- Everything he does annoys me! - Linda said as soon as we met, - I can't help myself and say it to him, then we start fighting, this is so exhausting!
A day before she called crying and asked to meet as soon as possible. She felt unexplained, uncontrolled anger towards her partner.
We talked about the nature of Linda's feeling and when it started.
- It just seems he can't do anything right, - she claimed while we spoke, - I think the reason is he isn't a right man for me. But I always felt he was...
- He can't do right or can't do the way you wanted it t be done? - I asked
- There are things that don't matter, to be honest... I know that. I just want him to hear what I say, how I ask him to organize something.. to hear me.
- Does it feel like he doesn't hear you?
- It does... and it is driving me crazy.
We found that Linda started experiencing anger shortly after the project she was leading at work collapsed. She was very upset for a while and admitted that she was expecting more support from her partner, but he didn't get why she was so devastated.
- I didn't have any emotional energy to explain to him why it was important to me... so I just didn't talk about it...
- Did you close up because of it?
- I think so...
- How did lack of support from his side make you feel? - I asked
- Oh Gosh... - she took a deep breathe, - betrayed.. although I know it is a small thing. Angry.... Wait, - she gasped, - is that why everything he does has started to annoy me?!
- As you said, you just want him to hear you. You're setting the standards of how everything should be done. You kind of know he will fail... so then you can point it out to him, make him hear you. You didn't do it before, did you?
- No... honestly, I always was much more in the ease with small things...
There will be various situation for Linda to see if her partner is a right man for her, like mutual appreciation, support, values. But in that situation, she clearly associated her emotions, annoyance, and anger, with a wrong reason.
Let's imagine she would act on it and break up with her partner. What her anger was telling her is that she needed to learn to communicate her needs and ask for support, she longed for in a difficult situation. By doing the opposite and separating she would end up feeling even more resentment and anger.
So what is the solution?
When Linda untangled her emotions, she realized how much she needed the support of her partner. We worked on limits that prevented her from expressing her needs; she learned how to communicate her emotions. Interestingly, her partner was 100% on board and had no idea she lacked support from him. He as well committed to learning, showing more support and attention when Linda was going through difficulties.
STOP associating your emotions or worries with something particular.
So how do we do that?
It admires me how contradictory and amazingly wise life is. As important as it is to understand reasons behind our emotions, sometimes we just need to let it go. If you are not in a state of mind and heart to figure it out, just let it be.
Easier said than done.
Women tend to overthink, BIG times. As soon as you cross the line of 'I have to figure it out RIGHT NOW!!!", any hopes for clarity are lost. In a deep, endless ocean of now-or-never, die-but-do-it approach.
I am such a master of that. Tons of times a day I notice my mind running around and making irrelevant connections.
-Look, - it says, - you feel the tension in your body... that's because of what your colleague told you in the morning.
-Realy?! She just said hi... Oh my, should I avoid her? - I panic.
-Ha, this is not what, but how she said it. Also, listen... maybe you miss that person, should you text her?
2 minutes of this and I would be puzzled. I Would add some panic to tension. Did that lady mean smth bad by greeting me?
What I do in such moments is separate one part of myself from the other. One is panicking Kate, sweet and nurturing; the other one is insensitive, indifferent B. who doesn't care about my feelings!! So she shouts at me: "Shut up, - she says, - Seriously, Kate? Are you so self-centered to think that lady cares enough to think badly about you? Your emotions have nothing to do with what your inflamed mind tries to connect them to! Focus! And don't you dare text that person..."
And she is right. As much as I don't want to admit it.
How to acknowledge moments when you need to stop overthinking:
Notice when you force yourself. As soon as you notice that you try too hard to connect the dots or feel even worse than a minute ago, STOP. It doesn't mean you leave situation unhandled, it means you love yourself enough to breathe, restore and give yourself space for making thoughtful and effective decisions.
Be aware of the thin line between forcing yourself and pushing yourself. Can you feel it? At the moment you force, you start to feel negative, irritated, annoyed about yourself (or the situation). When you push yourself, you might resist the step, but deep inside you know that you have to overcome “I can’t or don’t want to” to get “where I want to.”
Our brain will obsessively look for answers, as a mind loves overthinking. It is a pattern we repeat over and over. When the level of tension is high, our brain turn on survival mode, it will do everything to find the reason for stress so we can eliminate it as soon as possible. The problem is: it will identify as a threat the first visible thing, not the real thing. Then you think logically: "But it doesn't make sense....". "Maybe it does..." - mind wonders. And so it goes.
Overthinking is a dead end.
We rarely can leave the emotional situation without a solution, but sometimes we just need to let it go until the right moment.
First, restore your energy, take care of yourself, then you will feel more empowered to understand why you feel in a particular way and what you can do about it. Sometimes it takes an hour; sometimes it takes a day, a week or months. It is ok. Focus on self-care. Set the intention to get your answers, and you will get them at the perfect time.
Rest => Restore => Think.
Hope it gives you clarity,
Do you tend to overthink? How does it affect your life?
More Tools To organize Your Emotions => Free Guided Meditation Gift Of Sensitivity
5 Steps To Achieve Clear And Calm Mind
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