I’m walking my dog to the park next to our gorgeous red brick house, the sign says Grosvenor square, Mayfair. One of the most beautiful and expensive city areas in the world surrounded by magnificent buildings, Hyde Park, best restaurants and fresh flowers.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m imagining it all. My beautiful lavish life, endless walks and coffees, dinners and gorgeous staycations, freedom I have.

 

Sometimes I feel like I’m still that little girl hiding from dysfunction of my family under the desk in the tiny rundown flat in Belarus. Trying to will something better into existence. With all my power, with all the strength of my little heart. 

I had nothing. Everything I've created is due to healing. 

 

Still, sometimes I feel I’m still there and all of this… is just the power of my imagination. As if everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve achieved doesn’t matter. I’m still that little girl. 

 

I step on the greenest grass you see only in the UK (thank you endless rain) and blink furiously. Tracking my thoughts to the moment when I lost “the here and now” and jumped into the pool of the past.

On a quick call with my mom I’ve heard my dad raising his voice on the background. My breath shook, body went into immediate trauma response.

Smth ‘invisible’ to my consciousness triggered the hell out of me and my body went into immediate trauma response. I felt small and "broken", worthless. 

It looks like:

• my shoulder and back tense
• my throat tightens as if inflamed
• I start to feel anxious
• anxiety grows, my stomach flips
• my heart beats faster and faster
• and breathing contracts

What’s shocking is not the occurrence of such feelings.  Moments like this is normal and productive on a healing journey.

But that I used to feel like this all the time.

I couldn’t separate “trauma response”. It was just… response. To everything and anything.

I believed those painful emotions and destructive sensitivity was who I were.

It dragged me under but what was the solution? I didn’t know. I constantly doubted my worth because of those feelings. 

I felt like smth was wrong with me, like I was broken, not equipped for this world.

Until I accepted and healed my worth, I thought my response to my past was who I was. I thought those complicated feelings and responses reflected my sense of worthiness. 

• Fear
• rage
• feeling abandoned
• betrayed
• let down
• ashamed
• small

I didn’t recognise any of those responses. They felt like me.

That’s why what happened to me felt so… adamant. Set in stone. Unmovable.

I used to throw my phone into the wall when I read things like “what matters isn’t what happened but your reaction”. Nonsense I thought.

We can’t change the past, right? Turns out we can.

Past only exists in our memory, and our memory consists of beliefs, emotions and triggers.

Turns out the only real connection to our past is our REACTIONS to those triggers and repeated traumatic responses.

Transforming that ☝️, changes your life. Emotionally you move to a different timeline.

You realise your self-doubt is NOT you but a learned pattern and heal your worth.

You choose your best qualities, recognise your shadows and embrace all of you. How empowering is that. How freeing.

That’s emotional evolution. That’s healing.

And I can’t wait for you to experience that. Together with an incredible group of humans.

Here on Art Of The Mind.

You’ve been through so much. On your own. Now you DESERVE support

And I’m here to help. 

Start healing your worth with me. 

Join our amazing healing community space. 

 

I'm launching a new program on healing your worth. Uncompromising worthiness healing space. That's a next-level offer. It took me years to create this. My whole life really. All of it and more will be packed inside this incredible community space.

 

Space for you to heal, grow, connect on a deeper level.
Find your inner magic, achieve more.
No guilt, no self-doubt.

 

It will be opening soon, as of right now - by invitation only. Send my team an email at [email protected] with the word HEAL and we'll send you the full details. Or DM us on Instagram. 

 

All my love,

Kate

 

Next: How worthy are you allowed to feel?